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Breathe

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One of the many facets of grief can be our body gets run down and making it more susceptible to illness.  Which, unfortunately, I seem to be a text book case with a summer cold that has settled in my lungs.

I’ve been having problems sleeping anyhow, but now I wake up struggling to breathe, then lay there wide awake trying to slow down the pounding of my heart.  The biggest problem is physical exertion sets of coughing spats, but I’m also tense, and tense up when things get near me emotionally, which causing my lungs to seize and another coughing fit.

Therefore I’m having to focus on my breathing, keeping calm and inhaling and exhaling consciously.  Which brings me back to grief.  You have to breathe through it.  You can’t hold your breath waiting for it to pass, but you keep breathing, even as your breath shudders and chokes, you force yourself to relax and breath again.  Over and over and over.

Grief for me is a lot like breathing, I don’t exist without it, and right now it is something I’m focused on, both the breathing and grief.  But if I’m lucky, someday grief will be like breathing, something I do automatically without thinking.  Always present but not intruding.  Right now, all I can do is breathe.

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