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Stages of Grief: Denial

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So most of us have heard of the stages of grief, and that you need to go through them.  There is a lot of discussion on when these stages kick in and if they do, but usually there is some accuracy to them.

The 1st one is Denial.  I always wondered about this one.  I knew you could deny it for a few minutes, maybe even a day or two.  But when you look at your husbands lifeless body, and see the cuts from harvesting his tissues and bones, there isn’t any real room for denial.  But it is still there.

Oh don’t get me wrong, I know he isn’t coming walking through the door, and I know he currently in an urn on my bookshelf, but I still get these waves of “This can’t be my life, he can’t be dead” that will sneak up on me every so often.  I sit in the quiet of the house and I realize I am waiting to hear the garage door go off, signaling he is coming home.  And he isn’t.

So mostly what I am denying is that I am ready to face his death.  I know he is gone, but my denial is in not dealing with it, not facing that grief directly, because it it is too big, to large for me to face all at once.  Instead there are moments of tears, of pain that lances through everything and brings me once again to a shuddering halt.  Each one of those moments gets me a step closer to facing what I don’t want to, a life that he isn’t in.  And that is what I am denying.  That I know how to live without him.  That I can live with out him.  Because I’m terrified, if I accept that, then he will really be gone.

One Response to “Stages of Grief: Denial”

  1. Dana says:

    Something I have learned is that grief is a process that can be lifelong. Don’t rush it.

    I could say all the things you already know; that it’ll get easier over time, that it will catch you unawares at the most inconvenient of times, etc. And while I don’t think the words would be wasted, as I said, you already know these things. But now you actually have to feel them.

    Take your time. Yes, I already said that, but it bears repeating. You have a tremendous support system. Use it. That’s what friends and family are for; holding you up when you can’t stand by yourself.

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